How to Be a Hero in an RPG

Since becoming the proud parent of an rpg (and faced with the usual paternity-suit sticker shock), I, Dmitri Gheorgheni, have made certain observations about the behaviour of my fellow Researchers in cyberreality which might – I say might – possibly have some nodding resemblance, a soupcon, perhaps, to the problems some of us face in what I have learned to call RL. (Although I question the accuracy of the term – how do you know you’re not a brain in a vat, Professor Putnam?)

The First Dimensional Conversion: The Napoleonic Wars

The coach rattled along the snow-covered roads of Spain in the chill early hours of morning. The sky was lightening on the horizon, with the promise of a cold but sunny day. But Lord Jamison Douglass, Viscount Douglass of Ben Wyvis, was already awake - he had been awake all night, bounced along in the uncomfortable coach, listening absently to the occasional comments of the coachman and his companion in Spanish - a language he did not understand at all - and wondering how he could have been such a fool as to get himself in this position, trying to reach Lisbon and avoid the French, on his way home from Greece and a disastrously planned Grand Tour.

Vive l'empereur

The young Lord Douglass deemed himself a fool on several counts. One, for having allowed Lord Byron to talk him into accompanying him on his trip to Albania to meet with Ali Pasha - Bryon having sussed the notion that Spiridion Forresti, that wily Greek, wanted to take him along to distract the sensual Turkish pasha, and deciding to bring more attractive bait along on his own. The ensuing encounter had been an eye-opener for the young man, used to the straight-laced ways of Scotland, and as yet unsure of himself.

Rigel V

Memo to all personnel aboard the CSS Mariposa

We are approaching the Rigel System through hyperspace. We anticipate entering the system on stardate 5766.10.5. Rigel (Beta Orionis) is a blue giant, its diameter about seventy times that of Sol. The star is turbulent and energetic - starbathing on the Observation Deck is not recommended. The name Rigel is short for Arabic 'Rijl Jauza al-Yusra', meaning 'the foot of the great one', referring to its position in the constellation Orion¹.

Manifesto of the Campaign for Higher Silliness, Part One

'That's just paranoia. Everybody in the galaxy has that.'
Douglas N. Adams

The question is, how to make that paranoia work for us?

Beingkind, as has so often been noted (usually in tedious detail) by philosophers, pundits, and general professional cogitators everywhere, is constantly in search of meaning. The collective conscious and unconscious mind of sapients and sentients everywhere in the multiverse is continually thinking, thinking, thinking, gnawing at the knots of the Problem like a mouse at a string bag which its nose tells it contains a tasty bit of cheese. But, like the mouse, the conscious (or unconscious, or semiconscious) mind finds that every time it undoes a particularly tantalizing knot, the whole configuration regroups itself into an even more baffling nodal conglomeration. The mental mouse is, not to put too fine a point on it, screwed.

As the Goths know, the multiverse is a gigantic game of cat's-cradle. You need a partner, and you can't find one. As the Goths are so fond of saying, in Goth baseball, you have to be both the pitcher and the catcher.

So what does that have to do with paranoia? Or silliness, higher or lower, for that matter? Or the price of cheese?

Define the problem.

The ERPU Movement - Equal Rights for Parallel Universes

At the Archives of Parallel Space-Time (APST) on Betamax Delta, where I've been helping out with the cataloguing lately, we've been receiving a lot of threatening metamail on the Trans-Etha Net (like the Sub-Etha, but designed for communication with our collecting agents in Parallel Space-Time). It seems our modest academic efforts have stirred up a hornet's nest of resentment in other space-time continua.

Apparently, the existence of the APST in our space-time continuum has been perceived as a slight on other PST continua, and been interpreted as a snobbish attempt to put forth the claim that our version of events is the definitive one. Or, as one of the (badly misspelled, smudgily photocopied) screeds that came across my desk recently would have it, that 'you're a bunch of temporally provincial, pseudo-causalist, counter-revolutionary blatherskates!'

Ahem.

Of Space-Time and the Gheorghenis

A long time ago, in a parallel universe, there was a peaceable kingdom...

It always starts like that, doesn't it? And then everything goes south in a hurry. You can imagine the rest for yourself, really. Good king, evil vizier, plots and counterplots, yadda yadda yadda. Then the big blowup.

This one was really big. You might as well call it the Big Bang.

And there was a hole in space-time. Big hole. The irony was, it wasn't caused by the evil vizier. It wasn't caused by evil at all.

It was caused by idiots.

Libretto for the Comic Opera 'CSS February'

ACONE

Scene - the shuttle bay of a Confederation starship, the CSS February. Some crewmen are doing maintenance on shuttlecraft, while others are incongruously swabbing the deck with mops, brushes, buckets of water, and what looks suspiciously like holystone.

Song - 'We Fly Through Hyperspace'


We fly through hyperspace,
And our starship is a wonder,
Represent the human race,
As the galaxy we plunder.
When the solar winds blow,
Through the ether we go,
We stand our watch all day,
When in orbit we ride,
Going planetside,
We've plenty of time to play.

Yo ho, yo ho, the phasers crash,
Yo ho, yo ho, and the lasers flash.
We stand our watch, our watch all day...

Romulan Army Ants and Residual Cloning Efforts - A Preliminary Report

Submitted by Dr Radu Popescu for the use of Dr Celva Tanna and other interested parties

Phenomenon: The Romulan army ants - Formica romulensis - which have been living in the Arboretum on the CSS Mariposa since before the starship's acquisition by Confederation Starfleet - have begun exhibiting peculiar behaviour. The ants appear to be scavenging oddments of building materials - screws, pieces of plastic, the occasional nail - and taking them into their nests for purposes unknown. The reason for this behaviour is our first question.
The second question is this - why are some of the ants apparently in opposition to this undertaking? Why are they fighting amongst themselves - since they are apparently of the same species? What does this portend?

And finally, is this ant behaviour good or bad for the CSS Mariposa?

Teleportation - An Inside Look

As someone - I can't quite remember who - once said, the secret to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss. Teleportation (or quantum locomotion, if you prefer) operates on a similar principle - forget that you have a body.

The first thing that is difficult for those who were brought up on planets to understand is that you are not your body. Those beings raised in a eco-dependent biosphere have trouble believing this, because it is counterintuitive. After all, you came into existence on the planet as the result of some sort of reproductive process on the part of your parent or parents, be it sexual congress, spawning, cloning, or simply spitting on the sidewalk¹. You live within the biosphere, subject to its laws of energy exchange, requiring food and liquid to maintain your body², and then, finally, your body gives out, and you die - that is, you disappear from your native biosphere, and all your friends and relatives are unhappy, and hold a funeral³. And, as far as anyone within the biosphere can tell, that is that. End of story.

The truth of course is quite different, as it so usually is in these chronicles.

How To Be a Hero

Since becoming the proud parent of an rpg (and faced with the usual paternity-suit sticker shock), I, Dmitri Gheorgheni, have made certain observations about the behaviour of my fellow Researchers in cyberreality which might – I say might – possibly have some nodding resemblance, a soupcon, perhaps, to the problems some of us face in what I have learned to call RL¹.

Although the cast of the Beta rpg are, with one exception, brave and stalwart individuals who grasp the nettle of fate with unflinching fingers and look at this increasingly tenuous metaphor with undimmed but tear-stained eye², they do sometimes tend to make things difficult for themselves. Hence this entry containing what I hope will be useful advice for not only surviving, but also enjoying one’s sojourn in the land of make-believe.

Akashanantyayatana - How to Build Your Own Tardis

On a space station I've been house-sitting for a friend, there was recently a discussion - I say a discussion, more a rant really by a disgruntled person - on the subject of why science fiction - which I took to mean science fiction as practised by Earth writers¹ - is so 'unscientific'. The reason is interesting.

Because Earth, Binky, is not only not the centre of the universe - it doesn't even follow the rules of the normal universe, because of that unfortunate incident with the Romulans and the Sidereal Inspection Team, - but I can't talk about that².