Libretto for the Comic Opera 'CSS February'

ACONE

Scene - the shuttle bay of a Confederation starship, the CSS February. Some crewmen are doing maintenance on shuttlecraft, while others are incongruously swabbing the deck with mops, brushes, buckets of water, and what looks suspiciously like holystone.

Song - 'We Fly Through Hyperspace'


We fly through hyperspace,
And our starship is a wonder,
Represent the human race,
As the galaxy we plunder.
When the solar winds blow,
Through the ether we go,
We stand our watch all day,
When in orbit we ride,
Going planetside,
We've plenty of time to play.

Yo ho, yo ho, the phasers crash,
Yo ho, yo ho, and the lasers flash.
We stand our watch, our watch all day...

We fly through hyperspace,
And our starship is a wonder,
Represent the human race,
As the galaxy we plunder.

Our starship is a wonder,
The galaxy we plunder,
We represent the human race,
The hu-man race.

Enter Captain Corkscrew, commander of the Starship February. He is a fine figure of a starship officer, but he is, er, a bit short (because he is being played by five-foot-two Rory in a high-collared Mariposa-style uniform).

Song - 'I Am the Captain of the February'

Captain - I am the Captain of the February,
Crew - And a right good man you are.
Captain - You all are very smart, and it really warms my heart,
As we roam from star to star.
Crew - We all are very smart, and it really warms his heart,
As we roam from star to star.
Captain - Though an infantryman I,
I now travel through the sky,
And cast my pearls before swine.
When upon the bridge I go,
I say, Helmsman, make it so -
And the universe is truly mine.

Crew - When upon the bridge you go
You say, Helmsman, make it so,
And the universe is truly thine.

Captain - I do my best to keep things in Good Order,
Crew - And we return the compliment.
Captain - You're all so very nice, that I think it good advice
To be extra considerate.
Crew - We're all so very nice, that he thinks it good advice
To be extra considerate.
Captain - For you see it is my choice
That I never raise my voice,
Whatever the occasion may beg,
Though Romulans may shout,
I can never be put out,
And I never use the awful 'Smeg'.

Crew - What, never?
Captain - No, never!
Crew - What, never?
Captain - Well - hardly ever!

Crew - Hardly ever uses awful 'Smeg'...
Then give three cheers, a hearty three,
For the well-bred Captain of the February.
Then give three cheers, a hearty three,
For the Captain of the February.

There follows dialogue - improvised, we're doing theatre veri-tay, here - between the Captain, his crew, and one particular member, Ralph Barmbrack, a Simple Crewman (played by Sgt Paul Jonas). Then the Admiral arrives - Sir Joseph Stout (Lt Devereaux) - and sings at them.

Song - 'I Am the Monarch of All Space'

Admiral - I am the monarch of all space,
The leader of the human race,
Whose praise fills rooms of cyberchats,
Chorus of cats - And we are his grandchildren, the cats.
We are his grandchildren, the cats,
His grandchildren the cats...
Admiral - When in orbit here I sit,
I generally act quite fit,
And stalk around and tip my hat,
Chorus - And so do his grandchildren, the cats,
His grandchildren the cats...
Admiral - But when in hyperspace,
I usually hide my face,
And seek the seclusion of my stateroom foggy,
Chorus - And so do his grandchildren, the moggies,
His grandchildren the moggies, who like their staterooms foggy, the grandchildren, the grandchildren, the...CATS!

Dialogue ensues, in which it becomes clear that the Admiral intends to marry Captain Corkscrew's daughter, Maybelline. Maybelline comes out - a fetching little number played by the Countess Tavaron Gheorgheni. Maybelline is ostensibly worried about marrying the Admiral because he is such an Exalted Personage, but she is really secretly in love with Ralph Barmbrack, to whom she blows kisses when the Admiral is not looking.

Song - 'Never Mind the Engineering'

Admiral - Never mind the engineering,
Life in space is awful queer, and
When you've found your equal partner,
You must take your chance by storm,
Though your choice may be peculiar,
And your ethics not the norm.

All - Let all space ring out with laughter,
Open hailing frequencies,
He will marry with the daughter¹
Of Captain Corkscrew, yes, sirree!

Maybelline - Never mind the engineering
Life in space is awful queer, and
When you've found your equal partner,
You must take your chance by storm,
Though your choice may be peculiar,
And your ethics not the norm.

All - Let all space ring out with laughter,
Open hailing frequencies,
He will marry with the daughter²
Of Captain Corkscrew, yes, sirree!

The principals all exit, and the crew go back to their tasks, only to be interrupted by the arrival of Peanut Butter Cup, a sutler.³ Peanut Butter Cup (played by Liam, all six-foot-six of him, in a dress and bonnet) sings a (mercifully short) song.

Song - 'I'm Called Peanut Butter Cup'

I'm called Peanut Butter Cup, dear Peanut Butter Cup,
Though I can never say why⁴
But I'm Peanut Butter Cup, sweet Peanut Butter Cup,
Dear Peanut Butter Cup, I.

I've fresh, ripe tomatoes,
And bug-free potatoes,
I've candy, and good Klosterfrau.
I've hemp and tobacco,
And excellent snacks, oh
Come visit my store and say, Wow.

Come see Peanut Butter Cup, dear Peanut Butter Cup,
Starmen should never be shy,
So buy from your PB Cup, dear Peanut Butter Cup,
Come to my shuttle and buy.

It transpires in the ensuing dialogue⁵ that Peanut Butter Cup nurses an unresolved pash for Captain Corkscrew, whom she longs to clasp to her maidenly bosom - by first lifting him off the ground a considerable distance. Also, it is adumbrated⁶ that Peanut Butter Cup is in possession of an Awful Secret concerning the Captain and Ralph Barmbrack - but we don't know what it is, yet.
Also during this non-musical interlude, we discover that the Security Chief (a non-singing part, basically, played by Ensign Jeremy in a convincing moustache), Dick Larrison, has an equally unrequited pash for Maybelline, and is aware of her intention to elope with Ralph Barmbrack in Peanut Butter Cup's shuttle, sometime in Act Two. This he intends to stop⁷.
Finally, the crew finish swabbing the shuttle bay, while reprising the Opening Number, We Fly Through Hyperspace

We fly through hyperspace,
And our starship is a wonder,
Represent the human race,
As the galaxy we plunder.

Our starship is a wonder,
The galaxy we plunder,
We represent the human race,
The hu-man race.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

Scene - same as Act One. The shuttle bay is quiet, except for Captain Corkscrew, who is pacing among the shuttles⁸ and singing.

Song - 'Twin Moons, To Thee I Sing'

Twin moons, to thee I sing,
Bright spots for navigation,
Say, why is everything
Open to misinterpretation?

Twin moons, to thee I sing,
Bright spots for naviga -tion.

Peanut Butter Cup shows up, and hints darkly to the Captain that if he doesn't shape up, she may have to spill the beans.

Song - 'Things Are Never Cut and Dried'

Peanut Butter Cup - Things are never cut and dried,
You may have a lot of pride,
But the truth is, there's much more
To the world than was before.

Corkscrew - Yes, I know, that is so.

Peanut Butter Cup - Winken, Blinken, his friend Nod,
Were three peas in a peascod,
All Gheorghenis play baseball,
Life is long, and dreams are tall.

Corkscrew - Yes, I know, that is so.

Peanut Butter Cup - If you build it, they will come,
Longest way's the shortest home,
Do not worry, do not fret,
There's life in the old girl yet.

Corkscrew - Yes, I know, that is so.

Corkscrew - Though to catch your sense I struggle,
It is shady, it is shady,
I don't want to burst your bubble,
Nutty lady, nutty lady.

Both - Plain the meaning isn't, but we
Try, though we are both so nutty,
Finding answers is hard, so buddy,
Let it go - we don't know.

Peanut Butter Cup goes off in a huff-and-a-half⁹ and Captain Corkscrew is visited by Security Officer Larrison, who informs him of the impending elopement. They are joined by Admiral Stout, and the three conceal themselves behind a rather garishly decorated shuttlecraft, the Bob-o-Link, to await events.
Soon the whole crew (we need a chorus, so there) comes out to accompany the lovers, Barmbrack and Maybelline, to Peanut Butter Cup's shuttle.

Song - 'Carefully We Sneak Around Here'

Chorus - Carefully we sneak around here,
Moving softly round the deck,
If the Captain should find out, we're
Sure the upshot would be heck.

(Bang - somebody has knocked over a tool.)

Mercy me, now that was odd.
Silent be - a dekapod.
It was a dekapod.

Concealed trio - They're right - a dekapod.

Chorus - Carefully we sneak around here,
Moving softly round the deck,
Carefully we sneak around here,
Or there will be - be - heck.

Suddenly the lights go up, and Admiral Stout, Captain Corkscrew, and Security Officer Larrison confront the frightened lovers. Ralph Barmbrack is threatened with the terrible ordeal of a court martial with all the trimmings before General Confusion, the Awful Judge, followed by a possible stint in Arcturan Penal Colony - or maybe just a fine.
The enraged, diminutive Captain Corkscrew, however, demands the Ultimate Penalty - transfer to the marines. The crew gasps in horror at such a horrible fate.
The Captain curses loudly:

To run off with my daughter - that is a SMEGGING outrage!

The entire cast expresses shock and horror at such AWFUL LANGUAGE.
Ralph Barmbrack, however, is defiant. He announces to all and sundry that he doesn't have to take this sm-, er, guff from anyone, because he is a Citizen.

Song - 'He Is a Citizen'

Chorus - He is a Citizen,
For he himself has copped on,
And it is the better option,
To be born a Citizen.
To be born a Citizen.
Although their IQs the sum lack
Of a winter day in Humpback,
They are Starfleet's finest men,
They are Starfleet's finest men.

So, in spite of all temptations
To ignore his obligations,
He remains a Citizen,
He remains a Ci-ti-zen.

Everyone applauds this noble sentiment, but the Captain is still determined to have Barmbrack arrested.
Then Peanut Butter Cup seizes the stage - she's hard to miss, so they all shut up.

Song - ''Twas Some Lightyears Away'

Peanut Butter Cup - 'Twas some lightyears away,
On the planet Vanderwenter,
I earned my daily pay
In a Starfleet day care centre.

Chorus - Oh, my, what can we say?
On the planet Vanderwenter,
She earned her daily pay
In a Starfleet day care centre.

Peanut Butter Cup - Two boys I had to deal with,
One was a little Gael cub,
The other was a Smith,
And, friends, there lies the rub.

Chorus - Now therein lies the rub,
One child was a Smith,
The other was a cub,
The kids that she dealt with.

Peanut Butter Cup - Oh, butter in my cup,
However could I do it?
I mixed the beggars up -
And none in Starfleet knew it.


Chorus - However could you do that?
Someday no doubt you'll rue that,
Though none in Starfleet knew that,
Light years away from here.

Peanut Butter Cup - In time each made his way off,
To work upon this tub,
The Citizen was Ralph -
Your Captain was the cub.

Chorus - This is beyond the Pale,
Ralph is a Smith-born male,
The Captain is a Gael???!
This is the worst, we fear.

Confronted with this horrifying discovery, Rory, er, Captain Corkscrew, muttering 'it's a fair cop', opens his jacket to reveal his Gael collar. Maybelline, delighted, kisses Barmbrack rapturously (but not violently), and the Admiral throws up his hands in disgust. The chorus all stick their tongues out at him, the Captain is embraced by Peanut Butter Cup, and they all sing the closing number..

Song - 'We Fly Through Hyperspace'


We fly through hyperspace,
And our starship is a wonder,
Represent the human race,
As the galaxy we plunder.
When the solar winds blow,
Through the ether we go,
We stand our watch all day,
When in orbit we ride,
Going planetside,
We've plenty of time to play.

Yo ho, yo ho, the phasers crash,
Yo ho, yo ho, and the lasers flash.
We stand our watch, our watch all day...

We fly through hyperspace,
And our starship is a wonder,
Represent the human race,
As the galaxy we plunder.

Our starship is a wonder,
The galaxy we plunder,
We represent the human race,
The hu-man race.